Hmm, I thought that the first image in the post is the original... Maybe it's because lighting generally employed in homes here allow that :P
I kinda like the lighting of the photo (generally dim) and the choice to have sunglasses there... Not sure why but this composition feels more interesting the more I look at it. By the way, it's normal to have noise and focus issues on normal phone cameras or non-professional digital cameras when shooting indoors, there isn't enough light for them to perform very well :)
Oh, also, I like the edited one more :P and I love rule of thirds too. The grid is a must for me in every situation.