"Untitled," a nonsense story and entry to @rycharde's Nonsense Story Contest: https://beta.steemit.com/hive-138861/@rycharde/new-nonsense-writing-contest-prizes-worth-over-30-steem-ends-sun-12-jan
The purple spotted dog told the colourless green lizard, “No colourless green lizard has ever gotten to the top of the stairs before. If you get to the top of the stairs, surely you will be the first to have ever done so.”
“What is at the top of the stairs?” inquired the colourless green lizard of the purple spotted dog.
The dog snorted. “What do you think this is, a Lewis Carroll story?” The dog then proceeded to curl up and lick himself clean.
The colourless green lizard proceeded to begin to trot away in search of a way to get up the stairs. “I want to be the first colourless green lizard at the top of the stairs,” he mused to himself. “So I must find a way to do it.”
“Soldier!” The colourless green lizard stopped suddenly as the General of the Army was suddenly in his face and yelling at him through a mouth full of smoke from an Extra Thick Cigar.
“Soldier!” the General of the Army repeated in a loud, gruff voice. “Where do you think you’re going??”
The colourless green lizard thought of replying, but could only wonder to himself how the Extra Thick Cigar did not fall out of the General of the Army’s mouth when he was yelling. Was it stuck there with glue? It was a wonderment.
“What’s your name, soldier?” more bellowment followed. This confused the colourless green lizard, because he wasn’t sure he ever had a name. “It doesn’t matter what your name is!” came more yelling. The General of the Army was very close, maybe 6 inches away. The colourless green lizard wondered if that was the only way the General of the Army could speak. “Your name is fodder, because that’s what you are! Now get in your pack, Fodder!”
It was amazing. As soon as Fodder was capitalised, that because the colourless green lizard’s name. He did not like it.
What he liked less was that he was suddenly grabbed by a multitude of hands, thrust into a parachute, and pushed out of the plane. “Don’t die right away!” Fodder could hear the General of the Army yelling as he plummeted to the ground. “Kill the enemy first so I can take the credit for winning the war!” Fascinating, Fodder thought. The General of the Army did not need to be only 6 inches away from his face to talk.
The ground was coming up really quickly. Was the ground really coming up to meet Fodder, or was Fodder falling to meet the ground? Did it even matter? Fodder supposed that, regardless, he would splat, and that would be the end of Fodder.
“Pull the cord, Fodder!” Fodder could hear. He looked, and there was a cord, and he pulled it. Miraculously, he slowed down – or the ground slowed down – and he landed with only a thud, and not a splat.
“What are you doing here?” Fodder hear someone ask. He looked, and there was the purple spotted dog. The purple spotted dog grabbed Fodder and began running. “The stairs are over here!” The dog carried, pulled, and dragged Fodder all the way to the bottom of the stairs and dropped him. “By the way, Fodder is a bad name,” the purple spotted dog said.
“But I haven’t any other name,” Fodder thought to himself, “for no one has ever given me one.”
THUD! Very suddenly a large boulder landed right beside Fodder and left a very large hole in the ground. Fodder looked to see where the boulder could have come from and saw, from a short distance away, a catapult.
“Very curious,” Fodder mused to himself. “There is a catapult with no cats.” He looked anew and saw the catapult was in fact manned neither by cats nor man but by frogs. Frogs!
“Cry havoc!” A cry was heard above the din of the battlefield. “Cry havoc and let loose the Frogs of War!” Was that Shakespeare? Did it matter? Fodder saw frogs, and he saw dogs, and they were are war with each other. He saw frogs with catapults, infantry frogs, and poison frogs. He saw dogs with sleds, and a line of chihuahuas with pole arms advancing on the enemy frogs.
War is not good, Fodder thought to himself.
An invisible hand then grabbed Fodder and lifted him up. “A lizard?” he heard. “A colourless green lizard? Where did he come from? We’re not using lizards yet.”
A second voice continued. “Maybe it’s a spy. See, he’s colourless.”
“But he’s green, like a frog,” the first voice countered. “But he’s not a frog. He’s a lizard.”
“Oh well,” said the second voice. “Just put him to the side.”
The big invisible hand placed Fodder down at the top of the stairs. The top of the stairs! The Top of the Stairs! Fodder was suddenly very excited, for he was the first ever colourless green lizard at the top of the stairs! He looked at what he could see, and he could see the war ground below, and invisible hands moving the pieces of dogs and frogs.
“Well now, now that I am at the top of the stairs, what am I to do?” the colourless green lizard thought to himself. Then, with a shrug, he began to descend the stairs. “I guess there’s nowhere to go but down, now.”
(c) All images and photographs, unless otherwise specified, are created and owned by me.
(c) Victor Wiebe
(design by remyrequinart: https://steempeak.com/@remyrequenart)