In some ways, I suppose my upbringing was unusual.
I mean that only in the sense that my parents were considerably older than my peers’ parents, and before that my parents’ parents were considerably older than their peers.
What's the Significance?
Well, as I dig into this particular shard of memory, I recognize that what I'm recalling here needs to be set against some awareness that these people who came from a period in time where the norm was ”children might be seen but should definitely not be heard.”
No "unparenting" and "free expression" there, savvay?
Anyway, one of the things I was taught from a very early age was how to have conversations. This meant that you were supposed to listen politely to whoever was speaking, not interrupt, not stare absently out the window, not yawn, not try to change the subject and generally ensure that you were paying attention by asking appropriate questions at the right moments. This was something that was expected of you, regardless of whether or not you were actually interested in the topic at hand or not.
Lest this sounds terribly "restrictive," I can assure you that... it was! There really was no such thing as loud, rude and out-of-control children in the environment in which I grew up.
Being raised with this particular value system resulted in a somewhat interesting adulthood.
In some ways, I'm probably a better listener than most people because I was taught that you genuinely need to pay attention when somebody is talking… but through these efforts to actually pay attention, I also soon realized how most people were really not very interesting, and they were lousy storytellers… and most stories are really boring as well.
So how did I even get onto this slightly odd topic?
Well, as many of you may remember, Mrs. Denmarkguy is actually a minister and a counselor as a result of which her profession is to listen to people.
Earlier today, we were talking about one of our favorite topics — authenticity, and being your authentic self — and got into discussing the fine line between doing things for the sake of getting along and where that intersects with remaining authentic.
I'll be the first to admit that being authentic is pretty important to me. Unlike many, I have made a conscious choice to not have very many friends... although that's not actually how it sounds. What I'm really trying to say here is that I have stayed authentic about not "collecting" a bunch of people who exist in my periphery but who really don't represent what I'm about.
This approach would be the exact opposite from those who collect lots and lots of friends but don't really know any of those friends very well and half the time feel like they can't truly be themselves around those friends because it would cost the friendship to fall apart.
That, of course, also opens up the window to a discussion about selfISHness and selfLESSness.
Is it selfish to insist that friendships on the exist on your terms, provided those terms are mutually accepted? Is it truly selfless to agree to be friends with "everybody" simply because that's the right thing to do? Or is being highly discerning with who you choose to be with simply being authentic?
Good questions, all!
Circling back to the title of this post, I find myself often sending a thought of gratitude to my late parents for teaching me to listen and pay attention, and otherwise keep a low profile.
Why?
Because when you are listening rather than talking, you have the opportunity to allow people to tell you who they are… or who they want you to believe they are… and through that you can form that all-important first impression based on something more than a few superficial ideas.
Admittedly, this kind of "old-fahioned etiquette" often made me feel like somewhat of a ”dinosaur” among my peers… And I often felt out of place because evidently the de facto ”way to be a kid” was to have absolutely no control over either your thoughts or what you're saying.
OK, yeah, that was kind of a snide comment... and perhaps it doesn't really reflect who I am today. Oddly, though, it was a pretty accurate reflection of how I felt when I was 15!
Back when I was a kid — and well into my 20s — I was often accused of being ”aloof” and ”a snob…” and whereas I might come off that way, my primary motivation really was not to waste anybody's time. I wasn't going to pretend to be friends with you if we obviously had almost nothing in common then we really were not good friends material. That's pretty much how I thought.
With the benefit of some 40 years of hindsight, I can now reflect on those early days and recognize that pretty much any approach to life has both benefits and drawbacks. I probably chose to isolate myself far more than what was good for me… on the other hand, the few good friends I did make along the way we're true friends and lasted a really long time.
And with that, I'm going to close the lid on this edition of ”Memory’s Vault” and politely say thank you for stopping by and enjoy the rest of your week!
How about YOU? Were there any particularly "odd" pars of your childhood lessons? How so? Do you feel they helped or hindered you in ongoing life? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!
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Created at 20220323 23:37 PST
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