They say that "the only constant in life is change."
Whether we like change or not — personally, I prefer things to remain pretty consistent — there seems to be something to that old truism.
This afternoon, I found myself tidying up a couple of boxes of old "desk overflow" from previous attempts ate cleaning up my work space... and came across a couple of old journals, along with some printed copies of some old writing (articles and short stories) of mine.
Life, indeed, does change. And that's probably a good thing, even for those of us who are not terribly fond of change.
September 18, 2004
I am evidently attending some kind of self-development retreat, and I am writing a "letter" to myself, in which I am coming to terms (for the Nth time) with the reality that I am fundamentally not a very ambitious person... and never have been.
I'm exploring the difference between actual apathy and being an engaged but passive observer to many aspects of life... something that comes very naturally to me, these days.
January 5th, 1995
I am at a stage in my life where I am actually dividing my time between Austin, Texas and Portland, Oregon.
My marriage to Mrs. Denmarkguy no. 1 is coming to a close, as she increasingly withdraws into a depressive world of sleep interspersed with a fantasy "version" of reality that involves lots of talk and no follow-through.
It's a relationship that quietly is destined to end like a small stream ends in a sandy desert; there are no great battles or rages, just a quiet realization that the end is at hand.
April 30th, 1997
My business of 12 years is going bankrupt... for a number of reasons.
I face — not for the first time, and also not for the last — the reality that I seem singularly ill-equipped to find and take on anything that actually generates more income than it generates expenses.
I complain a lot about the fact that the amount of paperwork that has to be filed to document that you are not making enough money takes a huge amount of time you otherwise could be spending at least trying to make money.
In my journal post, I reflect on the fact life seems to cost more than I am capable of making.
Funny thing... 25 years later, I seem to have the same problem. Proof, perhaps, that some things never change!
October 17, 1989
I am in therapy, for the first time since talking to a school counselor when I was in high school... now I am 29.
I am to keep a dream journal, evidently in an attempt to get a better handle on my inner life, which I am not good at sharing... with the therapist, or anyone else.
I repeatedly dream that I am in a rickety airliner that's full of holes, and whenever we roll down the runway to take off, we barely make it over the trees at the end... and then crash into the woods, maybe a couple of miles beyond the airport. I am unharmed, but there is debris everywhere.
Sometimes I am in a car, sitting in the back seat, as it goes up a steep hill... the engine cuts out, the driver gets out and the car rolls ever faster backwards down the hill.
Kathleen (the therapist) repeatedly ascertains that I am "not going to hurt myself." I assure her that suicide is not on the menu, but I might vanish to a place so remote there are no other people there.
Changes and Finding Peace
On reflection, I "fought my own truth" for a great many years... mainly in service of trying to live up to the expectations of parents, and others and the "values" of Greater Society.
In time, I made peace with the fact that some of us are born without the ambition and drive to "succeed" and "achieve" in some great way... be it career, fame, wealth, power, influence, whatever...
It's a choice that comes with a price..., primarily the price that the world is not designed for that kind of approach. Unless, perhaps, if you're born independently wealthy.
But eventually, you learn to find your way...
Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!
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