RE: Delusions

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futuremind in #esteem • 6 years ago

Thank you for the kind words and support @jerrytsuseer,
We seem to have very much in common.

I have a younger brother who borrowed 100 dollars from me about 1 year ago, promising to pay it back. He paid half back after I confronted him about it, to this day he still owes 50, and I've not heard a word about it.

It's not even about the money for me. Most of us are struggling, but if a person cannot be good for their word, then I just don't know, it's not something that I understand, and maybe that is what helped me escape addiction, because even during addiction I didn't seem to lose my morals. I made a bunch of mistakes and some relationships were destroyed, but stealing is something I never did, and my word was always good.

Imagine a crack head who doesn't steal and was generous sharing crack with other crackheads, yeah it makes no sense I guess, but I was generous, swimming in a sea of people who simply had no morals left, if they ever had any.. Don't get me wrong, I have so much sympathy for people in addiction, having gone through that hell, but it wasn't the life for me, even if it took me 10 years to get out of. I consider myself very fortunate to have made it out, and it's sad that I feel like I need to be a hermit to stay safe from people lacking morals. I want to be able to trust everyone!

There truly must just be a disconnect from sound morality for many. It really hits home when it's right in your face with family. For sure.

Thank you Jerry, it's great to see you.

6 years ago in #esteem by futuremind

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jerrytsuseer 6 years ago

From what I read here, you managed to maintain more of a "high road" (no pun intended) through your addictions; I was not so lucky @futuremind.

I was generous to a fault with my clothes and food, even my accomodations when I had all of the above to share, but I prostituted my body for drugs, I panhandled on the streets, I slept under buildings when I could arrange nothing else.
Still I managed to emerge damaged but whole. I am still walking the knife edge, and I suppose I will be the rest of my life.
But no matter what, I will always try to help others, I will be frugal in my use of clean fresh water, I will try to recycle where that is available.
It's great to "see" you as well Jacob my friend.

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futuremind 6 years ago

I don't know how high the road was, sleeping under bridges, and incarceration was the norm for the entire time for me.

You know, I do believe my lowest point was actually my "highest point" in the sense, waking up out of a blackout with a shotgun strewn at my side, a failed suicide attempt, I instantly thought of my children and what succeeding would have meant.. It was my wake up call and gave me the strength to put the shit down once and for all.

But no matter what, I will always try to help others

One of the things that kept influencing me to relapse was the lack of help present for me, the feeling that no one cared.. I always tell people who have reached their "breaking point" with family members in addiction: "Don't give up on your family, because they need you, and they are not in their right state of mind right now, giving up on them is not a good strategy, tough love shows a lack of love to many."

If we didn't make it make it out, we surely wouldn't have met each other Jerry. I'm grateful for you, and grateful you are clean today my friend.

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jerrytsuseer 6 years ago

I am grateful for you as well Jacob my friend. People "In the Rooms" (AA) would insist I am still using, because I now have prescriptions for meds, but I take them according to the prescriptions (as far as the pain meds, usually less than prescribed).
I'm off to begin my day or running around in the cold

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futuremind 6 years ago

It's all a matter of perspective. If your life is better, that is what is truly important. Yeah I'm still a drug addict because I use cannabis sometimes to help with anxiety.. 😂
I don't agree with "Once an addict always an addict". people change, and labels mean nothing.

Have a wonderful day Jerry! Stay warm!

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jerrytsuseer 6 years ago

Do we confess things for forgiveness, or do we
Confess things to forget?
It makes us feel so Much better to get things off our chest, so
We chatter on like magpies, to people that really shouldn’t be told these
Things.
^{(in no way directed towards you my friend)}
Or, we spend inordinate Amounts of money to pay folk
To listen to our stories, who May or may not be able to
Bring some order to our Troubled spirits.

There is only one bottom Line here;
the past Is the past,
Accept It and move on.

Happiness is a
Decision we
Make. So
Decide.

“Decide”

by
Jerry E Smith
©1/20/17

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jerrytsuseer 6 years ago

I was never a proponent of the "Marijuana is a gateway drug" with one caveat; when I was growing up and getting into the 'scene' if you went to 'the man' to get your pot, chances were VERY likely he had other things and would tempt you.

I use cannabis to help me sleep, it makes for the easiest transition and most pleasant rest.
My issue now is that I've begun dallying with booze again, and when I do, even a couple of drinks, makes it very hard to get going the next morning.
I have very few commitments now that REQUIRE me to get up and go, so why not just stay in my warm covers?
I HAVE called out a few times in the last year for a few Dr appointments because I was hungover, and missed at least two performances.
THAT is the knife edge I am walking. Right now, I have no alcohol in the house, and I don't feel the urge to get any, but it doesn't help that there is a liquor store around the corner; I can hop in my car and be back in 10 min.

I just got back from the Grocery store, staying warm was really not an option, only in a relative sense.
Just as I was coming out to my car, a man coming towards me made a last minute decision (I could see the play in his face)
"say amigo I need some bus fare"
I don't carry cash (and I don't, generally for just this reason)

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futuremind 6 years ago

Alcohol was my gateway to cocaine, and in all respects a much worse problem for me than the cocaine. Alcohol was my "drug of choice."

I know a man who recently passed away from alcoholism. He fought it for years, and it finally took him.

Sure, many cannabis dealers are dealing other things as well, it's hard to find people that only deal with cannabis in many places. That being said, I would still just stick with cannabis if you can resist the urge to drink Jerry. Drinking is dangerous for a man like yourself, even if it wasn't your drug of choice.

If you ever need to talk, I'm willing to do a voice chat with you on discord man. I'm here for you. When it comes to my friends in a moment of crisis, nothing is more urgent. Utilize that crisis line if you cannot find someone to reach out to in a moment of crisis.

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jerrytsuseer 6 years ago

I appreciate that, but at the same time I don't understand, your offer or all the many 'crisis lines'. I don't drink because I am stressed out, because I am in pain or upset. I drink mainly from boredom and loneliness. If you and I or me and anyone have a chat, when that is over I am still alone and bored.
It changes nothing. The changes are internal and aren't (in my experience) affected by counseling.
I just started back on an antidepressant today, it may not kick in for a few days.
I don't foresee and sweeping changes though.
I have an adequate apartment, food, gas for my car, but otherwise I am isolated, I am alone, I have no friends, I don't go visit anyone and no one comes to visit me.
For the last week or more, I've been sleeping far too much, this new AD drugs is a stimulant so we'll see how that goes.
Depression is hell.

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